Ballin’ or brawlin’ – Wrestling with the Cleveland Cavaliers
If you grew up like me, winter Saturdays were spent dunking on 7’ hoops in friends’ driveways pretending to be Dominique Wilkins, then trying to perfect Bret Hart’s “sharpshooter” finishing move. NBA Inside Stuff and WWF Mania were must-watch tv on Saturday mornings. The dullness of a long, grey winter and school book reports was broken up only by the anticipation of winter’s most star-studded sporting events: NBA All-Saturday Night and the WWF’s (now WWE) Royal Rumble.
Though this season’s NBA All-Star festivities remain in flux seemingly still, due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, though there’s been reportedly some All-Star Game consideration, the WWE’s Royal Rumble event took place as scheduled on Sunday evening.
Inspired by current and former Cleveland Cavaliers players’ interest in the WWE (think LeBron James’ popular Ultimate Warrior t-shirt before game 7 of the 2016 finals, and Kevin Love’s WWE championship belt), now is a good time to discuss which current and former Cavaliers would be best-suited to compete in a Royal Rumble. And who would ultimately come away as the winner.
*For context, one player was selected from each Cavs roster beginning with the 2011-12 season allowing for 10 participants.
Okay so now, let’s dive into this hypothetical Cavs Royal Rumble/the participants.
We’ll begin with a prior #4 overall pick in 2011.
2011-12 Cavs participant:
Tristan Thompson
Measurables: 6-foot-9, 245 pounds
Why: An athletic big who has shown he can guard all five positions, well at least to some capacity. His size and athleticism make him an ideal fit for the squared circle. But this is really a two-for-one, envision Khloe Kardashian in the Miss Elizabeth role walking Tristan to the ring as his manager.
2012-13 Cavs participant:
Marreese Speights
Measurables: 6-foot-10, 255 pounds
Why: Nicknamed “Mo Buckets” – he has similar size and athleticism to The Undertaker- who played college basketball at Texas Wesleyan University. Also, Mo was a great postgame quote. He’s the guy you want cutting promos to hype a match.
2013-14 Cavs participant:
Measurables: 6-foot-3, 200 pounds
Why: C’mon, it’s Delly! The pesky defender would be perfect playing the role of the antagonizer. Small in stature, he’d be a tough out in the rumble. You’d likely need the assistance of a steel chair to slow Delly down.
2014-15 Cavs participant:
Shawn Marion
Measurables: 6-foot-7, 220 pounds
Why: “The Matrix” gets the nod over bruisers like Kendrick Perkins and Timofey Mozgov because of his versatility. A Swiss-Army knife of a player, Marion would pose a threat flying off the top turnbuckle or opting for a submission hold.
2015-16 Cavs participant:
LeBron James
Measurables: 6-foot-9, 250 pounds
Why: A superhero of an athlete. Wrestling’s had its share of giants, high-flyers, and everything in between. But never before has the ring featured an athlete with his combination of size, speed, strength and IQ. Throw in his acting chops and LBJ is ready made for the wrestling ring.
2016-17 Cavs participant:
Chris Andersen
Measurables: 6-foot-10, 245 pounds
Why: Andersen has three things going for him: his obvious size, his look (Anderson regularly sported a mohawk and a slew of tattoos) and his nickname – “Birdman”. Whether he can wrestle or not is irrelevant. He checks all the other boxes.
2017-18 Cavs participant:
Jae Crowder
Measurables: 6-foot-6, 235 pounds
Why: Jae took a real punch to the face from J.R. Smith and was leveled by Kendrick Perkins in the same 2015 playoff game back when he was playing the Cleveland Cavaliers as a Boston Celtic. Taking those types of bumps would make a body slam feel like a slight breeze.
2018-19 participant:
J.R. Smith
Measurables: 6-foot-6, 225 pounds
Why: J.R. is already comfortable being shirtless (see basically the entire 2016 summer). He’s shown a willingness to use his elbows and fists in-game (as seen when guarded by the likes of Jason Terry and Jae Crowder). And his soup throwing skills would make him the ideal villain.
2019-20 Cavs participant:
Measurables: 6-foot-1, 190 pounds
Why: He already has the character name: “Young Bull”, as he’s commonly referred to, and pencils in as the easy to root for underdog. Undersized but super skilled, the hard-working Sexton, Cleveland’s leading scorer this season with 24.0 points per game, would be a fan favorite, never backing down and constantly challenging bigger, more decorated opponents. And as recent history suggests and with how he’s done this season, he’d likely come out on top more often than not.
2020-21 Cavs participant:
Andre Drummond
Measurables: 6-foot-10, 279 pounds
Why: Simply put – Dre is huge. Not many athletes could stand eye to eye with the likes of Kane, The Big Show and Kevin Nash. But Drummond is one of the few. Add in Drummond’s rebounding skills (an NBA leading 15.1 this season) and the physical element required to pull down more than a dozen boards a game, and Dre’s ready made to headline a main event.
Who’s left standing in this hypothetical Cleveland Cavaliers Royal Rumble? The combination of size and talent would seem to make LeBron the favorite. But taking into account that this isn’t a tag team event, combined with James’ inability to hand pick a superstar to team with, LeBron would likely be tossed out of the ring earlier than expected. Smith probably gets disqualified somewhere along the way.
Next. Restoring rivalries - a possibility for the ascending Cavs. dark
Delly hangs tough to the surprise of no one before his body fails him. In true Clevelander fashion, a host of others put up a good fight. In the end Tristan Thompson would use his size, skill and a ringside distraction created by Ms. Khloe to win the All-Cavalier Royal Rumble.