Apr 5, 2014; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown talks to guard Kyrie Irving (2) in the first quarter against the Charlotte Bobcats at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

Imaging the Cleveland Cavaliers… in 10 years


You know, one of the things I like most is finding out when people have unique talents. Finding out AJ Green is used to be part of an elementary school juggling group? Sweet. So the reason why I haven’t written anything lately is because I’ve been acquiring a new talent, and it’s finally time to put it to good use. Folks, I have become clairvoyant.

Rest assured folks, I will use my powers only for the most essential of tasks.

Such as forecasting what a North American basketball franchise will be doing in 10 years.

So allow me to open my third eye and tell you the fate of the Cleveland Cavaliers…

THE YEAR IS 2024.

Rest easy, NBA fans, as the league is in great shape. Business is booming and the league has never been better. The Boston Celtics are the reigning champs, with Brad Stevens’ team consisting of nothing but former Butler basketball players. Yeah, I never thought I would see Shelvin Mack averaging 25 points a game and Khyle Marshall in an NBA uniform, but here we are. Anthony Davis is a 7-time MVP, and The LA Clippers have far surpassed the Lakers as the more popular team in Los Angeles, as part team owner Oprah Winfrey is thrilling fans with her halftime giveaways.

“AND YOU GET A FREE CLIFF PAUL INSURANCE APPOINTMENT!”

“AND YOUUUUUU GET A FREE CLIFF PAUL INSURANCE APPOINTMENT!”

Yep folks, it turns out Cliff Paul is actually real. The guy is as good as advertised, too. LeBron James is still as productive as ever, too. Actually, much more so. LeBron is still averaging 25 PPG, but now on just 14 shots a game, shooting a remarkable 89 percent from the field. The rest of the shots from the Heat come from newly acquired guard Russell Westbrook, who shoots a remarkable 64 shots per game.

Over on ESPN, they ponder if he has what it takes to be a true point guard.

But enough about that! Let’s get down to the important stuff. The Cavs aren’t doing great, but they aren’t doing awful either – they’ve placed nitnth in the Eastern Conference for each of the last 10 years. Don’t worry Cavs fans, as there is a silver lining – they have won the first overall pick in every year as well! Unfortunately, the Cavs have had the dregs when it came to drafting, as the past 10 years have had the worst draft classes ever. How bad, you may ask? Well, let’s just say a guy from Carnegie Mellon went No. 1 overall in 2017, and that was the strongest class.

The last real good draft class was the 2014 one – the one where the Cavs would set their future in stone. Now my visions tell me that there are three alternate pathways that will lead the Cavs to where they are in 2024 – although the outcome to each one is the same (the Cavs getting nitnth in the East, and winning the lottery every year), the way that they achieve this is very different.

To see these three alternate paths, I’m going to have to dig deeper into my visions. From here on out, we are dealing with very dangerous, multi-universal, time-and-space defying stuff.

Read at your own risk.

Huuummm…….. summoning the powers to be…….PRESTO!

THE FIRST PATH… THE PATH OF EMBIID

As you may have guessed, the Cavs took Kansas Center Joel Embiid in this route. How did this happen? Well, while airing a “highlight showcase” on the draft prospects, one ESPN member accidentally slipped and aired Steven Regal’s theme song, “A Real Man’s Man”, while highlights of Embiid were playing. I’ll try to recreate the footage; you should turn off the sound on the second video.

Here’s the song:

Here’s some highlights:

Now Cavs’ fans and management alike were so struck by this display, this wondrous combination of highlights and song that they had no other choice than to draft such a man… A REAL MAN’S MAN, JOEL EMBIID. Drafting him proved to be no mistake, either as he totally dominated the league… when he played. You see, in the year 2024, Embiid has yet to lose as a regular season game… but also has never played more than 41 games in a season.  Now I know what you’re thinking, and his injuries AREN’T a result of his back, but rather of yearly cataclysmic collisions between he and Andre Drummond that have registered in at as high as 7.2 on the Richter Scale. As a result, the Cavs lost every game he didn’t play in, causing them to get ninth in the East every year.

Embiid, for his career, is averaging 28.2 PPG, 14.2 RPG, and 3.7 BPG, while shooting a whopping 83% from the field. The curious play of Embiid has prompted ESPN to make a 30 for 30 documentary called “the Best That Kinda Sorta Played”. However, Andre Drummond abruptly retired in the year 2023, leaving absolutely nothing to stop Embiid in 2024. Cavs fans, rest easy, as this is your year! Here’s how an overview of the roster looks:

- Coach, Mike Brown: who is in his sixth different stint as Cavs head coach. “We really think his defensive identity will be what takes us to the next level”, Dan Gilbert says.

- PG, Kyrie Irving: Kyrie is still here, faithful as ever, and as good as ever. The “freak injury” bug has still been a dark cloud on Irving’s career however, last striking when Irving broke his jaw drinking a glass of water in 2022. Due to the medical brilliance of Doctor Eggman however, Irving has been fortified to be sturdier then James Harden’s beard, and should never get injured again.

- SG, Dion Waiters: No, really.

- SF, Alonzo Gee: Yeah, 10 years from now, and the SF situation is still unaddressed. Gee has attained the nickname “the Cavs’ Fidel Castro” for their inability to usurp him from the Small Forward position. The one downside to not drafting Wiggins or Parker.

- PF, Tristan Thompson: Thompson has become one of the most interesting players, in the NBA. After success changing shooting hands in 2013, he has learned to become equally apt in using both hands shooting-wise, and has won the new “Ambidextrous Skills Challenge” in every year since it debuted in 2016, where you complete the skills challenge twice, once using each hand.

- C, Joel Embiid

- BENCH, Tyler Zeller: When asked about his longevity, he responds “Well, they never play me, even when Joel is out, but they haven’t released me either, so here I am.” When Embiid goes down to injury, they have gotten around giving Zeller playing time by doing such things as playing five guards and signing Hasheem Thabeet.

- BENCH, JaVale McGee: Because really, no team is complete without JaVale McGee

- BENCH, Matthew Dellavedova: SCRAPPINESS IS LEGENDARY!

See, Cavs fans? The future is bright! But let’s keep this journey going as we shift direction now to a different timeline.

HUMMMMM…….SHHHCKWWWAAAAHHHHHHH…..HOOOTAHACKACHUMBAWUMBAPRESTO!

THE SECOND PATH…THE PATH OF WIGGINS

The timeline where The Cavs took Andrew Wiggins in 2014 certainly is an interesting one. Wiggins was taken after Gilbert was persuaded by a certain man who was SUPER into people that could jump high to take Andrew for his athleticism. I can’t confirm the name of the man, but based on descriptions, a sketch can be seen below:

 

 

image

Mr. Wiggins is currently the Cavs leading scorer. No, not Andrew Wiggins, the first overall pick, but rather Nick Wiggins, the undrafted free agent from Wichita State and brother of Andrew, who Andrew persuaded the Cavs to pick up. Although just about a five PPG Scorer for the Shockers, Nick made a remarkable transition to the NBA game,averaging 21.8 PPG. Andrew Wiggins has been okay by NBA standards, but disappointing to his lofty expectations, averaging 12.3 PPG, 5.3 RPG, and 2.8 APG for his career. Why he was struggling is truly a puzzle – an enigma wrapped inside a maze wrapped inside a Kevin Garnett postgame interview. That is, until a study done in 2020 showed that at the turn of the millennium, as the clock struck 12 and the year went from 1999 to 2000, a strange meteor hit the University of Kansas, and a strange emission from the meteor caused all of their draft prospects henceforth to become, at best, adequate NBA players. That’s right folks, if Paul Pierce was to have gone into the draft just one year later, he would have been nothing more than your run-of-the-mill amall forward. If Raef LaFrentz waited just one more year to enter the draft he would have…. never mind.  Regardless, the elevated play of Nick has helped elevate the Cavs to their seemingly permanent home of ninth in the East.

The team:

- Coach, Mike Brown: sixth times the charm, right?

- PG, Kyrie Irving: see “Path of Embiid”

- SG, Matthew Dellavedova: THE SCRAPPINESS LIVES ON!

- SF, Nick Wiggins

- PF, Jan Vesely: THE DUNKING NINJA proved to be the best pickup in a long time for the Cavs. Turns out, when he got play time for an extended period of time, he got a lot better.

- C, Robert Sacre: Center is still a bit of an issue.

- BENCH, Tyler Zeller: A center not playing while Mike Brown is coach? Somewhere, J.J. Hickson is smiling.

- BENCH, Dion Waiters: I’ll let you use your imagination for this one.

Due to Kyrie finally being healthy, paired with Nick Wiggins and THE DUNKING NINJA it again looks like the Cavs are poised to make a huge move in 2024. Wow, 2024 is the year of the Cavs, I’m telling you!

UNNNNGGHHHH….. This looking into the future stuff is not easy, let me tell you. But let us take one last look, where a certain Duke player was taken first overall…

HRRRRNNNGGGGGG…..COOOMMMMEEEFFFFOOOOORRRTTTHHH…..SSKKKKKKKKRREEEEEEEEEEEEE…BLAMMO!

THE FINAL VISION!

THE PATH OF PARKER

Jabari Parker was taken by the Cleveland Cavaliers first overall as a result of negotiations with Mike Krzyzewski, who would only coach the Cavs under the stipulation that they would draft Parker.

Don’t worry Cavs fans, as Coach K has done an admirable job as coach. The number 1 question he’s still asked is “so how do you get Shee-shef-ski from Krzyzewski?”

Why the sub-par record, you may ask? Well, things always go well for the Cavs until March, when Coach K’s Cavs always seem to fall apart for some reason.

Now Parker himself has certainly made an impact on the team… or more specifically, Anthony Bennett. You see, after seeing Parker, Bennett was motivated beyond measure to prove he was the dominant #1 overall. He slimmed way down, and got in great shape and BOY YOU SHOULD SEE HIM PLAY NOW. Bennett is now averaging 22.7 PPG, 12.3 RPG, 4.3 APG, and shooting 57 percent from the field. As a result, Parker hasn’t been off the charts, averaging 14.3 PPG for his career. But in 2024 Bennett and Parker finally learn to co-exist, becoming the most dynamic tag-team since the Rock ‘n Sock Connection.

The Roster:

PG, Kyrie Irving: You know his deal by this point. By the way, in 2016 he fractured his hand signing a deal with Adidas.

SG, Dion Waiters: It’s true.

SF, Jabari Parker

PF, Anthony Bennett

C, Tyler Zeller: Funny that the Duke coach is the guy that gives the North Carolina alum the most play time, right?

BENCH, Matthew Dellavedova: SCRAPPINESS IS FOREVER!

BENCH, C.J. Miles: Sniping is forever, too.

BENCH, Von Wafer: This is a good sign we should wrap this up.

Due to the Bennett and Parker finally learning to co-exist, as well as the presence of Von Wafer, the Cavs are poised, in this timeline as well, to make a huge run in 2024.

Well that’s it folks. As you can see, there is absolutely nothing to be worried about – every universe shows that the Cavs will be great in 10 years! No questions asked!

URP! I’m getting one more vision…

“With the 1st pick in the 2014 NBA draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers select Julius Randle, Kentucky”

Oh no….

Tags: Andrew Wiggins Cleveland Cavaliers Jabari Parker Joel Embiid NBA Draft Popular

  • kyle

    fucking stupid

  • Nate Kenny

    Why would you be surprised to see Khyle Marshall in an NBA uniform? He’s working out for lots of NBA teams this summer in preparation for the draft. I wouldn’t be surprised at all. That’s just the first of tons of flaws with this article. Didn’t agree with one single thing the article said. So I’m guessing this is just a prank or a joke or something.