Don't Coach the Cavs: A Song by Mike Brown

Apr 5, 2014; Cleveland, OH, USA; Cleveland Cavaliers head coach Mike Brown talks to guard Kyrie Irving (2) in the first quarter against the Charlotte Bobcats at Quicken Loans Arena. Mandatory Credit: David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

Scene: Mike Brown stands on a podium to address the media one last time as head coach of the Cavaliers. Well, until they attempt to hire him for a third time six years from now.

Mike Brown: “I don’t have much to say today. This season didn’t go as planned by any means, and while myself, former general manager Chris Grant, Dan Gilbert, the players, and especially Dan Gilbert are equally to blame, it’s probably for the best that my time is up. However, before I go, I want to go out with a bang.”

You stare in disbelief as Brown produces a stack of CDs and a guitar from under the podium. Oh God.

“This one goes out to all the little people who haven’t been given a chance at their jobs. It is also one of the singles off of my newest project’s debut EP.”

Oh God.

Brown tosses the stack of CDs into the media seats. You pick one up.

(via @Conrsmith, #FF)


You look up as Brown begins playing a rip-off of a somewhat familiar ska tune…..

Don’t coach the Cavs

Nobody wants you here, no one will understand

Don’t coach the Cavs

You’ll be fired before you have time to enact all your plans

Don’t coach the Cavs

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah……

The curtain pulls back to reveal the full band: Byron Scott with Backup vocals and trumpet, Mike D’Antoni on trombone, Mike Woodson on bass guitar, and Vinny Del Negro on drums.

Already ruined the Lakers

Decision killed your dreams

And once you’ve been behind the scenes,

Well you’ll know just what I mean

You might think that it’s cool to be on the floor

Byron & MDA: And coach pick-and-rolls or a D with holes

But when the center sucks and he gives no fucks

And the Cleveland blogs just want you gone

Your star players will ignore you

No one’s gonna sympathize with you

Don’t coach the Cavs

Nobody wants you here, no one will understand

Don’t coach the Cavs

You’ll be so damn terrible, they will think your offense is bland

Don’t coach the Cavs

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah……

Your GM will be canned,

And you’ll soon join him, man

Yeah, Yeah

And even if your old team

Brings you back for round two

I don’t think you could take it

All the chucking and the feuds

Your two stars can’t finish and they play no D

And your draft picks suck and aren’t up to speed

And the East just sucks which is just your luck

Cause a top-8 seed is  out of re-eeach

They’ll turn their backs and you’ll be gone

Faster than you can say what did I do wrong

Don’t coach the Cavs

Your players couldn’t care, they don’t understand

Don’t coach the Cavs

They’ll just fire you twice and then you won’t be in high demand

Don’t coach the Cavs

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah……

Chris Grant will kill your team,

Then Gilbert will kill your dreams

Brown begins to solo, but VDN loses the drum beat. D’Antoni tries to take over the guitar solo with a trombone solo he wrote, but it is double the speed of the song. The band grinds to a screeching halt and Mike Woodson literally kicks his bass to the curb in frustration. Brown calls a time-out too late and begins the song again.

And if you think that the joy of coaching,

Will keep you going through the year

Wait til your players get injured

And Luol Deng just disappears

Nobody cares what you have to say,

No one’s gonna listen anyway,

Byron joins Brown to sing to the end

Coaching Kyrie will bring you down

And Hawes will kick you while you’re on the ground

Don’t coach the Cavs

Don’t even try, you will regret it, yeah,

Don’t coach the Cavs, You’ll be so disappointed and it will kill your comeback plan

Don’t coach the Cavs

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah………

So just get fired now,

I’ll show you how!

Don’t coach the Cavs!

Don’t coach the Cavs!

Don’t coach the Cavs!

Don’t coach the Cavs.

The media scrum is silent. The coaches slowly walk backwards off the stage.

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