New York Will Kill Tim Tebow

Upon hearing the news of the New York Jets’ trade for the haloed Tim Tebow, I couldn’t help but laugh. The most loudmouth franchise in Northern America colliding with the most discussed and sensationalised athlete to hit the NFL in a decade, what more could you possibly ask for.

Nothing, if you’re Tim Tebow, because this is exactly what he wanted.

Jacksonville, a desperate franchise in an tiny market, struggling to find an identity as they fall further and further into footballing obscurity. Tim Tebow grew up in Jacksonville, after his family moved there from the Philippines where he was born. He played all of his football in Jacksonville before joining nearby Florida University to start his collegiate career. It couldn’t have been a better set up.

The next part depends on who you believe. Dreamy eyed Tebow or the all business Denver Broncos. Tebow says he had nothing to do with the negotiations surrounding his trade and that he did not choose the Jets over the Jaguars.

Tim, no one…absolutely no one…would criticise you for picking a team in New York over a team in Jacksonville.

Denver said they wanted the process to be as fair to Tebow as possible, because of all he had done for them, and allowed him to choose where he was traded to, regardless of the disadvantage that may bring as far as compensation.

Obviously if it were based solely on that, you would believe the ultra religious Tebow. But we have information that suggests Mr Almighty was lying.

We know that Jacksonville offered similar round draft picks to that of the Jets, but the Jaguars picks were much higher in terms of order. We also know Jacksonville were much more willing to help pay Tebow the money he was owed from last season, offering to pay $3 million+ of the $7 million he was due. The Jets unwillingness to pay this almost ruined the transaction.

But why would Timmy lie?

Well, as it did LeBron James, his trust in allowing family members and close friends to help run his professional life may lead to his popular culture downfall. Tebow’s brother, Robby, has taken charge of his rapid rise to stardom and is looking to cash in. Since his freakish run mid season, Tebow’s face has been popping up all over the place, whether it be underwear commercials or at Adult Video Awards. Places and mediums you wouldn’t have thought to have seen Saint Timmy before are now covered in his face.

His press conference yesterday was as fraudulent as it was laughable.

The first issue I had with this was the fact the Jets held a press conference over a backup quarterback……..A BACKUP QUARTERBACK.

I believe the Chargers are holding a similar presser tomorrow to announce the signing of Charlie Whitehurst as their backup quarterback, as will the Broncos with Caleb Hanie.

I mean really, if Mark Sanchez wasn’t livid before, which he certainly was, he must have broken his TV watching the Tebow press conference.

Let’s pick apart some of Timmy’s words.

"“I wish the Broncos nothing but the best. There’s no ill will towards the Broncos and the coaching staff. I wish them nothing but the best”."

LIES. LIES.

Oh the lies.

Basically the entire organisation told you for two seasons that you weren’t good enough to be a starting quarterback. They only ever played you for one snap because you made them money. The wins were just a bonus. They didn’t want to make the playoffs and have a mid 20s draft pick. You came in and took over from Kyle Orton and took a winless team to the Divisional round of the playoffs. Your GM John Elway says if things go right you will be the quarterback next year, then the second Peyton Manning becomes available they try as hard as humanly possible to replace you. They never believed in you for a second, and you knew it. After all of that, you wish them the best? You say there is no ill will? LIAR! You are a human being, I don’t care how religious you may be, that is a natural human reaction.

Let’s continue.

"“Mark and I have a great relationship”"

No you don’t, he hates you.

"“For the last 3 years we’ve been friends”"

No you haven’t.

"“We’re going to have a great relationship, a great working relationship and I think we’re going to have a lot of fun together”."

He is going to be resenting every second he spends with you. Every time you turn your back he will be talking to his offensive line about how annoying you are, he’ll be making faces at you as you look the other way, he’ll be paying Muhammed Wilkerson and David Harris bounties to take you out in practice.

Funnily they share the same agent. Mark Hackman said it best when he said “Sanchez has been saying to his agent every day, “I hate this guy, why do you represent him”.

C’mon Tim, there are no bigger bullshitters on earth than New Yorkers. They see right through this.

"“People think that the Wildcat is just a direct snap to a running back…I think that’s a big misconception…because when you have the ability for 5, 6 people to touch the ball on every single play”"

WHOA WHAT?

I had to cut the quote off there because I couldn’t even continue writing…

You have the ability for 5, 6 people to touch the ball on every single play? What sport are you playing? This isn’t soccer. What do you mean 5, 6 people? What are you going to do a quintuple reverse? A triple flea flicker with a lateral? Are the Jets going to become the Harlem Globetrotters, throwing alley oops, behind the back passes? 5, 6 people touching the ball EVERY SINGLE PLAY? Oh man I spewed some laughter after hearing that. That may not even be a lie, that may be plain stupidity.

Oh wait, there’s more to come.

"“It’s an honour for all of you to show up to hear me say a few words today”"

A honour for them? You’re saying it’s an honour for THEM to show up and hear YOU? Bahahaha this is fantastic. I’m sorry, go on Tim.

"“I mean, the reason we’re doing this today is because I have bosses too and they wanted me to stand up and talk to y’all so I can blame it on them because they made me do it”"

Ohhhh yeahhhhh, Ok Tim. Your ‘bosses’ made you do it. Just like your bosses made you choose big, bad New York over little old hometown Jacksonville. Just like your ‘bosses’ made you jump onboard nearly every marketing opportunity that came your way. Just like your ‘bosses’ made you coincidentally be at the same hotel as the Adult Video Awards.

Does anyone buy a single word this guy has says? Honestly, am I crazy or was this one giant lie?

Ohhhh I don’t want to be here, I hate the spotlight. I don’t want to be on the news, in the papers, on ESPN, that’s why I chose New York. Hold on a second, let me get down on one knee in front of everyone and make a quick prayer.

The most religious athlete we have seen, at least publicly, in some time, and he offers a 45 minute press conference of lies. OF LIES.

Tim Tebow’s move to New York will be one of the most fascinating sports stories of this decade. He joins a clouded quarterback situation with a gas baggy team and a ridiculous coach. He single handedly made the hapless Denver Broncos the most talked about NFL franchise. Throw him into the same snake pit as party animal Mark Sanchez, Mr Profanity Rex Ryan and a locker room more worried about making the front page than holding a parade through the Canyon of Heroes.

New York won’t kill Tim Tebow?

Too late.

It already has.